balance

Balance.  

Balance is something that I struggle with daily.  Most mornings I see piles of (usually) clean laundry out of my peripheral vision as I sit and work on my school reading or assignments.  During these two hours spent attending to school, approximately ten times I will think to myself, "I should really try to exercise before the kids wake up," but, I do not.  I hear little feet stumbling to the bathroom, and take a deep breath, to switch from student mode to Mommy.

I let my kids watch television as they eat breakfast, because I need thirty more minutes to finish up my homework. Eventually, we all get dressed and ready (after I have repeated myself about a thousand times) and somehow we get out the door.  The short drive is filled with chatter and giggles, but I am relieved to drop my kids off at their destinations.

As soon as the car is empty, I breathe a sigh of silent relief, and enjoy the feeling for a moment.  The moment is short-lived, as the guilt creeps in.  Shouldn't I be sad that I am leaving my kids for the day?  Am I a bad mom because I, honestly, am not sad? 

 As I work, I am wondering what Caden is doing at school, what sort of craft Laica will make for me today, and I am looking forward to picking them up and heading home.  I feel as though I am always striving for balance, but never quite achieving it.

This is just a small glimpse of my internal struggle with balance that I endure each day.  I am not looking for sympathy, just documenting.  I know that there are a lot of mothers out there who do not have the support system that I have.  I am content in this season of my life.  I realize that my life is a good one, although I may not appreciate it every day.  I am trying to change this.  When I become frustrated  or sad, I try to look at the bright side. 

Yesterday, Cody and I went out on the scooter.  The weather was incredible, and I got to spend some time in the sunshine with the man I love.  I spent a lot of time looking up at the sky as we rode, thinking about how my place in this universe is a small one.  All over the world, others are experiencing the same trials and emotions as I am.  Many are living in turmoil far worse than I can even imagine.  I am grateful.  

Being outdoors soothes my soul.  I do not think that I have ever been more ready for spring to arrive and stay.  Two hours spent in the sunshine yesterday was two hours of therapy.  Two hours of being in the moment, laughing, thinking, remembering, and making new memories.  Those two hours helped me regain some balance that I had lost over an emotional few days.  

Did those two hours fix my washing machine?  No.  Did they complete the history midterm I have saved for the last day?  No.  Did they cure my grandfather?  No.  What it accomplished was to help me gain a new perspective on my current trials, and gave me a feeling of peace and freedom.  

Yesterday was a reminder that our time is temporary, and that the only way to spend that time is being present, grateful, and open to love.  Even during dark times, I will continue my attempt at keeping my balance.