Letting go is something that I have an extremely hard time doing. My brain is constantly running, usually with obsessive, anxious thoughts that have no real merit. I have learned to work through the feelings of dread I experience on a regular basis. Anxiety, such a terrible thing to endure.
Exercise helps immensely, as does deep breathing and talking about what is bothering me. Cody serves as my sounding-board, when I can actually open up and verbalize the thoughts that are consuming me. Writing helps. I have always been better at expressing my thoughts and emotions through written words rather than those that are vocalized. I find it funny (not lol funny, weird-funny) and aggravating that the two things that I KNOW help me are the two things that I chose to neglect as I got further into the funk I was in during the past couple of months.
I picked a fight with this guy, on the day this photo was taken, for something really stupid. This was over three months ago, but I still remember and feel bad about it. Has he forgiven me (and probably forgotten about it)? Yes, I would bet on it.
I have no problem with the forgiving part, but I have a really hard time with the whole forgetting part. I do not remember everything in order to hold grudges, I do so because that is how my brain works. I can redirect my thoughts, but can never truly forget, and I wish that I could change that about myself.
With all that being said, my intention currently is to get back into taking time out for myself (homework does not count), keeping control of my course work and keeping my grades up (I'm doing great so far, less than half way to go until the end of semester). I am also working on letting go of thoughts, memories, and experiences that no longer deserve my attention. Forgetting is hard. I am trying. I intend to get on my mat for at least five minutes each day to breath and meditate. Yoga helps me so much, and I realize that I need it to help keep my mind, body, and life balanced.
I am a work in progress. I have a knack for messing up good things. I am determined to persevere and get back to a quiet, peaceful mind. My thoughts are loud, and they are often annoying... time to make some major changes, and letting go of the negative of the past is the first step of my journey.
I leave you with a few of my favorite pictures.
I just love a good chai tea latte, and I have been drinking lots of them lately at home. Hot tea is high on my happy list.
Autumn. My favorite season. I love all of the cliche things that all women love about fall, but I mainly welcome the invigoratingly cool mornings and soak them up.
Two weekends ago, I finished up all of my mid-term exams (successfully!) and going forward into the second half of the semester, I finally feel that I am in control of my school work, rather than having it control me. Don't get me wrong, my grades are good, it has just been a struggle to stay ahead and not wait until the day an assignment is due to complete it. If I lose my sense of control in certain areas of life, it affects so many other things, mainly my mood and attitude.
The past two months I have felt as though I was just doing what I had to, to get through the day, the week, whatever. I have been moody, and have taken it out on Cody (who is my Prince Charming that loves and supports me no matter how bitchy I am being). Mostly, I have been tired. Exhausted.
Depression is a strange experience. It can be all-consuming if one lets it get that far. I can recognize it happening in myself, do my best to work through it, and come out on the other side...usually learning a good life lesson or two (or three) along the way.
The thing about it is, I do not have the option to lie in bed all day and sleep (which is what my brain is telling me to do). I have a fiance, two awesome kids, and some wonderful clients that count on me to get my ass out of bed and get on with my life. I hold myself to high standards, and I will be damned if I let my brain chemicals ruin all of the good I have going for me. I am so grateful to be in this season of my life. It is amazing, and even through the bouts of sadness and anger, I can still recognize that fact.
With all of that being said, I am feeling better. School and work are going the very best they can. My dear friend Ellen gets to come home from the hospital for a few days before she continues her journey in a larger hospital, that is better equipped to help her.
Cody is awesome, my rock, as always. Caden and Laica are doing great in school. We have been setting aside intentional family time every night, and we can tell a huge difference in their behavior since that started over a month ago. Here are some pictures that I have taken lately.
Friday night, Cody and I cuddled on the couch and watched The Walking Dead. We are just starting the second season, but we both like it (we think). I have perfected my at-home chai tea latte, and it is delicious.
Since the kids spend most weekends with their dad, I spend a lot of my weekends working on school. This is a typical view, especially from 530-730 in the mornings.
Yesterday, we went to Phil and Becky's (Cody's mom and dad) to eat some ribs and enjoy the gorgeous weather and family time. The kids loved playing in the leaves, and Phil caught some pretty killer footage of them running and jumping in the pile. :))
These are from the first day of school, first grade and pre-kindergarden. My babies are growing up too quickly, Laica will be 5 in just a couple of weeks.
I have been feeling more inspired to write, so expect more posts soon.
