....

Taking deep breaths.  Drinking some hot tea.  Deep inhalations.  Closing my eyes periodically and taking in the feeling of peace.  Serenity.  I  just finished a very long but productive and rewarding day.  

I worked my hardest job of the week, picked up kids, got them packed up and off to Granny and Papa's house, and then took an exam while I waited for Cody to get home from work.  I got an A on the exam (yes!!).  As of now, I am on track to be on the dean's list again this semester, I intend on keeping up the hard work I have been putting into it so far, and finishing the semester strong.  I believe I am looking at one more semester at OTC.  After that, I plan on attending Missouri State and going into accounting.

When I finished my exam, Cody and I went to dinner. We were planning on going to see a movie at the Moxie, but instead opted to come home and watch Netflix and have some cuddle time.  He has to work early in the morning and I am going to do yoga then go shopping with some girlfriends.  I am looking forward to getting out with the girls, as we have been friends for ever and always have a blast.  

Here is pic of my handsome man at dinner.



 I love it...and this man.  He is amazing and I don't know what I would do without him by my side, for the rest of my life.  :)))

He is sleeping soundly, and I got an observation paper written for my psychology class.  After the exam and that paper, I am officially on Thanksgiving break for the next eight days and I am thrilled.   Work will be busy for the first three days of the week next week, then I will be off Thursday through Sunday.  During the holiday season, I am so thankful that I no longer work in retail.  For any of you that do, bless your heart.  I did it for about ten years.  It sucks.  Big time. 



I hope to get some more pictures of the kids up soon.

Here is one of me and Laica, before we went to see Mary Poppins.  Both Caden and Laica loved it.  We went with Cody's mom and grandma, and it was a lovely time.
 

  

I will post more after Thanksgiving, when I have more pictures to share.  Caden just started basketball and Laica is still taking gymnastics (we are busy)... love that they are in activities that they like.

Until next time...

letting go

Letting go is something that I have an extremely hard time doing.  My brain is constantly running, usually with obsessive, anxious thoughts that have no real merit.  I have learned to work through the feelings of dread I experience on a regular basis.  Anxiety, such a terrible thing to endure. 

 Exercise helps immensely, as does deep breathing and talking about what is bothering me.  Cody serves as my sounding-board, when I can actually open up and verbalize the thoughts that are consuming me.  Writing helps.  I have always been better at expressing my thoughts and emotions through written words rather than those that are vocalized.  I find it funny (not lol funny, weird-funny) and aggravating that the two things that I KNOW help me are the two things that I chose to neglect as I got further into the funk I was in during the past couple of months.

I picked a fight with this guy, on the day this photo was taken, for something really stupid.  This was  over three months ago, but I still remember and feel bad about it.  Has he forgiven me (and probably forgotten about it)?  Yes, I would bet on it.
I have no problem with the forgiving part, but I have a really hard time with the whole forgetting part.  I do not remember everything in order to hold grudges, I do so because that is how my brain works.  I can redirect my thoughts, but can never truly forget, and I wish that I could change that about myself.  

With all that being said, my intention currently is to get back into taking time out for myself (homework does not count), keeping control of my course work and keeping my grades up (I'm doing great so far, less than half way to go until the end of semester).  I am also working on letting go of thoughts, memories, and experiences that no longer deserve my attention.  Forgetting is hard.  I am trying.  I intend to get on my mat for at least five minutes each day to breath and meditate.  Yoga helps me so much, and I realize that I need it to help keep my mind, body, and life balanced.

I am a work in progress.  I have a knack for messing up good things.  I am determined to persevere and get back to a quiet, peaceful mind.  My thoughts are loud, and they are often annoying... time to make some major changes, and letting go of the negative of the past is the first step of my journey.

I leave you with a few of my favorite pictures.

I just love a good chai tea latte, and I have been drinking lots of them lately at home.  Hot tea is high on my happy list.

catching up...

Autumn.  My favorite season.  I love all of the cliche things that all women love about fall, but I mainly welcome the invigoratingly cool mornings and soak them up.

Two weekends ago, I finished up all of my mid-term exams (successfully!) and going forward into the second half of the semester, I finally feel that I am in control of my school work, rather than having it control me.  Don't get me wrong, my grades are good, it has just been a struggle to stay ahead and not wait until the day an assignment is due to complete it.  If I lose my sense of control in certain areas of life, it affects so many other things, mainly my mood and attitude.

The past two months I have felt as though I was just doing what I had to, to get through the day, the week, whatever.  I have been moody, and have taken it out on Cody (who is my Prince Charming that loves and supports me no matter how bitchy I am being).  Mostly, I have been tired.  Exhausted.

Depression is a strange experience.  It can be all-consuming if one lets it get that far.  I can recognize it happening in myself, do my best to work through it, and come out on the other side...usually learning a good life lesson or two (or three) along the way.

The thing about it is, I do not have the option to lie in bed all day and sleep (which is what my brain is telling me to do).  I have a fiance, two awesome kids, and some wonderful clients that count on me to get my ass out of bed and get on with my life.  I hold myself to high standards, and I will be damned if I let my brain chemicals ruin all of the good I have going for me.  I am so grateful to be in this season of my life.  It is amazing, and even through the bouts of sadness and anger, I can still recognize that fact.

With all of that being said, I am feeling better.  School and work are going the very best they can.  My dear friend Ellen gets to come home from the hospital for a few days before she continues her journey in a larger hospital, that is better equipped to help her.

Cody is awesome, my rock, as always.  Caden and Laica are doing great in school.  We have been setting aside intentional family time every night, and we can tell a huge difference in their behavior since that started over a month ago.  Here are some pictures that I have taken lately.

Friday night, Cody and I cuddled on the couch and watched The Walking Dead.  We are just starting the second season, but we both like it (we think).  I have perfected my at-home chai tea latte, and it is delicious.

Since the kids spend most weekends with their dad, I spend a lot of my weekends working on school.  This is a typical view, especially from 530-730 in the mornings.

 
Yesterday, we went to Phil and Becky's (Cody's mom and dad) to eat some ribs and enjoy the gorgeous weather and family time.  The kids loved playing in the leaves, and Phil caught some pretty killer footage of them running and jumping in the pile.  :))

These are from the first day of school, first grade and pre-kindergarden.  My babies are growing up too quickly, Laica will be 5 in just a couple of weeks. 

I have been feeling more inspired to write, so expect more posts soon. 

coming soon... a real blog post!

Whew!  The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind.  The kids are back home through the week (our "normal" most of the year), we just spent a busy and fun-filled weekend in Branson with my parents and siblings, and this week we will be working hard to prepare for school to start next week.  

Caden begins first grade on the 12th, and my classes start on the 16th.  Little Miss will also be starting a preschool program in the next couple of weeks, finalizing those details are on my to-do list this week. 

I have taken on two clients since I said that I couldn't take on any more, so work and four online classes are about to keep my butt in gear.  I am really excited to start my classes, this semester I have one psych class that I think will be really fun and interesting.  Next semester, I am planning on diving head-first into a program that I think will be very challenging, yet very rewarding. 

 I would certainly consider myself in a transitional period of my life, but I have the best support system:  family.  Cody loves and cares for me and our kids so much, I have the utmost respect for him.  The stars were perfectly aligned when we met, because he is truly my person.  My better half.  The man that inspires me to be the best version of myself.  The man that calls me out on my bullshit, but also forgives me when I act like an ass.  I have found a forever love.

I want to post pictures we took over the weekend, hope to do that very soon.  I got a new phone and am still learning how to use it (my old one broke after being dropped for the billionth time).  Until next time...

technical difficulties

I have a bunch of pictures to share from the past couple of weeks, but am having issues getting them from my phone to my blog.  After wasting over thirty minutes last night on my second attempt, I gave up.  I hope that my amazing fiance will be able to do it for me assist me with it this evening, because there are some cute photos of the kids from the fourth of July.

Here in the Lane household, life has been peaceful and normal.  Kids are still spending weekdays with their dad.  Cody has been working a lot... he makes me so proud.  He is such a great provider and a family man.  He does whatever he can to make me happy, and is so involved with the kids.  Our home is our happy place, and I appreciate it every single day. 

We have a couple more weeks left until the schedule with the kids goes back to normal.  We are looking forward to having the kids back home full-time, but while they are gone I plan to make the most of our time together.  We will be taking the scooter out this week (my request, the weather will be so much cooler) and next week we have a concert, a float trip planned, and will be celebrating  Elizabeth's birthday.  I am pretty excited to celebrate with her.  She is one of the very best friends a girl could ask for; she is one of the rocks in my life and I don't know what I would do without her (or our daily phone calls).

Not long ago, after a yoga class we had taken together, I sent her a text along the lines of, "Isn't is funny how eight or nine years ago that we went out day-drinking for a fun, and now... we exercise?!" It made us both laugh, but it is so true.  I wouldn't take back many of the experiences I've had, but am happy to look back on those times and smile at the memories (and never do a lot of it ever again).  I still have loads of fun all the time, it is just different now, and I am more than okay with that.

Speaking of exercise, I am off to go for a run before I go to work today--it is 57 degrees right now.  On July 15.  I am definitely taking advantage of this rare cool week we are about to have.  I promise to post kid pictures soon, and have a couple of other posts in the works.  Have a great week, get outside!!

Laica and Bunny.  :))

truckin' along

I absolutely cannot believe that tomorrow is July 1st.  Summer is flying by, we are all well into our summertime routine.  Cody has been working a TON (so proud of the man he is), I have been working and keeping up things around the house, trying to help out with stuff that Cody usually does.  He has been working around 55-60 hours a week, so he is pretty exhausted.  If I love you, I do what I can to take care of you.  It is just who I am, and I love that man so much.

Our garden has been producing wonderful fruits and veggies for us to eat.  I love cooking with produce that I picked in my back yard.  There is just something so simple and lovely about it, and it is a great activity for the family to do together.  Caden and Laica are loving eating up the cherry tomatoes as they ripen.  I think Cody and I have each eaten one. :))  Tomatoes (especially out of the garden) are my all-time favorite food, and I love that the kids like them so much too.

I have gotten to do some fun stuff while working lately.  I have planted flowers and mint for Ellen, and had so much fun doing it.  I used to be sort of intimidated by plants and gardening, mainly because I have killed every houseplant that I have ever owned.  Having Cody teaching me and watching him set up our garden has given me more confidence in my abilities, and tending to the plants is sort of therapeutic.  I am really enjoying all of it.  Here are a couple of pictures I sent Ellen to show off my work. 

We pulled out some weird plants that the previous owner had planted.  The mint looks so much nicer, and smells amazing!  The plan is to add some chocolate mint as well.  We have made their patio a happy, pretty place to enjoy the backyard.

Sunday we stayed in all day, and it was so nice and relaxing.  The kids both took long naps (Caden rarely naps these days, even though he could use one more often) and did some crafting.  Laica made these bracelets out of toilet paper tubes.  She said they were for Mimi, Papa, and Rags (Mariah's dog).  The girl sure likes to cut, glue, and generally make a mess.  :))  Love my little artists.  

We needed to relax Sunday after the hustle and bustle of Friday and Saturday.  Friday night the kids got to spend the night with Magnolia and Maya.  They were so excited, they love playing with these friends.  Jonah was there too, giving Caden another boy to play with.  Girls definitely outnumber boys in that crew. 

I left the kids to go meet Cody and his family for dinner, we were celebrating Phil's birthday.  Saturday we picked up the kids and headed to the ball field to catch a Cardinals game.  There were fun kids activities going on, so the kids got to spend a couple of house jumping and sliding on inflatables before we went to sit down to watch the game.  The plan was to stay late and watch the fireworks after the game.  The game ended up being postponed because of the storm that was moving in, we got home right before it started pouring.  We were all a little disappointed, but we plan on having lots of fun at Phil and Becky's house with the kids on Friday.

This little lady cracks me up.  She was showing off her jumps to me.  We spent some girls time together while Clint and Caden went to the Four Wheel Jamboree last weekend.  Prior to swimming we went to the zoo, and it got hot pretty quickly. Once Laica started grumbling that "we should've gotten a cart" (rented a stroller) because she was tired of walking and asking me to carry her, we headed home to swim for a bit then rest and watch some "Neckflix" (some of the stuff she says is too adorable to correct right now.  Neckflix is one of those things).

This boy has my heart.  I am so proud of the young man he is growing into.  He is so very bright and always wanting to learn more.  He loves to make us laugh.  I always call him my first baby when I am snuggling him before bed.  Such a sweetheart.

I really miss them during the week while they are with Clint, but we are already halfway through the "swap period" and life will go back to normal in no time.  They are having fun spending some extra time with their daddy.  I am enjoying this time that I have only myself to get ready and out the door in the morning (mostly).  Let's put it this way, I am trying to find the positive things in the situation.  Speaking of positive things... look what I got in the mail today.

This made me happy.  While I am enjoying  the fact that I don't have assignments and deadlines lingering in my mind at all times, I will be ready to start classes when August rolls around.  I am have a goal, and will achieve it.  It may take a couple more years from now, but I am doing it--rather than just dreaming about it.  I like where I am, and am confident about where I am going.

sweet summer

Yesterday while at work, I got a call from Clint.  It was one of those times when you just know something is up, because we don't usually call to chat at eleven in the morning (a time when we are both usually working).  His baby sitter had a kid who was sick, leaving us little options.  Since I have the best boss ever (me!) and some pretty amazing clients I wrapped up work early for the day and went to collect my kiddos.

It was HOT, therefore we did the only thing you do outside on days like these:  went swimming.  I love how easily kids are entertained with water, and it reminds me of how much fun swimming was when I was a kid.

It was nice to wake up with the kids in the house this morning.  I don't want to wish away our summer, but it sure feels odd for them to be gone throughout the week.  I miss my babies, and jumped at this opportunity to shuffle my schedule and have some extra time with them this week.  It worked out in a timely manner, as my parents want the kids to stay with them tomorrow night--they actually wanted them last weekend, but the kids declined.  We had made plans to go downtown and see our friends (and sitter when kids are with me), Miss Kayti and her crew.  Caden and Laica love her little girls, and it is obvious they have been missing each other!

We took the kids downtown to the River Rescue Jam, to listen to music, eat some food, and attempt to keep the wild kids in sight.  There were tons of kids dancing and a bubble machine, I think it is safe to say that a good time was had by all.  

Laica took this selfie in the car.

Love those cheesy smiles, and the fact that they will be good sports (even with the sun in their eyes).

Here is a shot of the action, lots of people plus kids that want to run around equals one alert mommy.  We had to stop a few games of hide and seek, because a couple times the kids were hiding too well and I almost panicked.  :)

Laica and Olivia.

This kid.  I had about ten pictures of just Caden, and he was being a goober in every single one.  He loves to make people laugh.

Oh, and I have gotten to spend some quality time with this little lady.  She belongs to some friends, and I had the privilege of watching her a couple of times this week.  I think from this picture, you can tell that we got along just fine.  Love, love, love babies (and so glad my friends are starting to have them so I can babysit, then send them home)!  :))

Things have been calm and uneventful lately, which is absolutely fine with me.  I am looking forward to the weekend and spending time with Cody and the kids.  We don't have much on our agenda, which is my favorite kind of weekend... we will see where it takes us!